


Afraid To Be Hurt

by Radioabsurd



Category: Supernatural
Genre: Gen
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2018-03-19
Updated: 2018-03-19
Packaged: 2019-04-04 08:11:42
Rating: General Audiences
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 1
Words: 399
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/14016000
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/Radioabsurd/pseuds/Radioabsurd
Summary: He's afraid to be hurt, but his fear is hurting everybody else.☆COMPLETED☆





	Afraid To Be Hurt

**Author's Note:**

  * In response to a prompt by Anonymous in the [23emotions](https://archiveofourown.org/collections/23emotions) collection. 



> **Prompt:**
> 
>  
> 
>  
> 
> Mauerbauertraurigkeit:  
> (n) _The inexplicable urge to push people away, even close friends who you really like._

He can't help it. 

He'll feel like a wounded dog in a corner and all of a sudden his lips will curl into a snarl and words will fly out of his mouth. Words that he thought he would never say. 

He used to think he was possessed. He even drank dozens of bottles of holy water after he had one of the biggest arguments with Sam after he had got him from Stanford. 

☆☆

He pushes them away and he can't help it. 

He's not stupid. He is pretty self-aware of his problems but that doesn't mean he wants to deal with it. 

Mauerbauertraurigkeit. 

That's the word for what he does.

It means to have the inexplicable urge to push people away, even close friends who you really like. 

And isn't that what he does? 

He pushed away all his loved ones because of his stupid urge. 

He knows it's his way of protecting himself because the only friend who didn't betray him was Benny and- 

Dammit! 

He hates this feeling. He hates watching his family's faces as he breaks them down using his poisonous tongue. 

He remembers the way Sam turned to Sammy when he had thrown his failures in his face. He remembers the way he had nightmares for two weeks before he could even be in Dean's presence. 

He remembers the way Castiel broke down when he made a careless joke about wings. 

"Yeah, wanna go spread those wings, Cas?" 

That was when Castiel realized that he was actually human. He had a panic attack and Sam locked Dean out of the bunker. Dean didn't see him after that for a month before Castiel allowed Dean to get him from a Shelter 10 hours away. 

He remembers throwing Charlie's mom in her face and watching her sink into a depression. He remembers the way her face matched her hair and the way her sobs echoed through the dark halls of the bunker.

He remembers a whole lot more with Bobby and Jo and Rufus and- 

Oh God. 

Why did he keep hurting them? 

He knows the answer. 

He looks into the mirror, green eyes clouded and chin covered in a faint scruff. 

He punches the mirror, causing splinters in it and the image of him to become shattered. 

He knows his answer is pretty shitty, but it is what it is. 

He's afraid of getting hurt.


End file.
